Hello from Rouen!

I am officially writing to you from my very own studio apartment in Rouen, right across from a very nice private school and near rue Cauchoise, a pedestrian street. It's pretty near to everything, which is very nice for me, especially given my limited supply of energy of late.

I really lucked into my apartment. I was staying at the Auberge de Jeunesse in Rouen (youth hostel) from when I arrived on Wednesday, September 28th until Sunday, October 2nd. I was planning on arriving, rushing like mad to find housing, and settling into said apartment. Magically, it went just about like that. After taking the wrong train from Paris to Courbevoie, taking the train back to Paris again and jumping on an express train to Rouen that was luckily running late (all this while lugging over 100 lbs of luggage with all stairs, mind you!), I made it safe and sound into the Gare de Rouen, where Sylvie and her son were waiting to take me out to dinner and to deliver me to the youth hostel.

Instead of spending my first days furiously scrounging up all of my energy to find a place to live, I spent it making friends with other assistants and the people in my hostel, going on walking adventures in the city, and compiling lots of lists of places I would love to live, if only I could muster the courage to call people in French. Finally, I spent all day Sunday (the day before I was to be leaving the hostel) calling up the owners of potential apartments, only to discover that I needed a guarantor who is French to guarantee my rent payments.

Sylvie just happened to be calling in the midst of my mad-calling marathon, and when I told her that most people needed a French guarantor before they would even let me see the apartment, she told me that I seemed like a responsible person and that she'd have my back and sign anything that she could in order for me to get a set place. SAVED my life is an understatement.

So, with that knowledge in hand, I was off that night to take a look at two apartments. The first was cheaper and had a lofted bed and looked like exactly what I wanted, but the guy texted me 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet and said that the apartment was taken. And with that, I headed off to my Last Chance Apartment, which was itty bitty but completely furnished and everything was completely re-done two years ago and all of the charges were included (though I'd have to fend for myself for internet). The guy who rented it to me said that there were about 20 other people waiting in line for the apartment but that he said he trusted me and liked how I sounded from my phone call, not to mention that his father was an immigrant from Turkey and he always had a soft spot for immigrants trying to find their way in France, where he and I both know that the paperwork doesn't always make for an easy transition.

Though I'm loving the apartment (apart from the part where I now have a chestnut-sized bump on my head from banging my head on one of my hanging shelves in my tiny studio), I do think I'll be moving to Les Andelys soon, since my commute consists of, at best, begging a fellow teacher to let me ride the hour-long commute with them in their car, or at worst, walking 20 minutes to the train station, taking the 45-minute train to Gaillon, waiting for the bus, taking the half-hour bus to Les Andelys, and walking the half hour to school. It is very tempting right now to take up David and Daniel on their offer of a room in an apartment on campus, not only because I wouldn't have to worry about my commute every morning but it is also less than half what I'm paying right now to live in Rouen. Definitely worth it to be in the boonies with some lovely people.

Now, I'm off to get ready for a coffee date in Rouen and working on getting pictures online! Once I get everything sorted, I'll definitely be doing a picture post. For now though, I've also been trying to get up both old and new videos, so those should tide you over. Lots of love!

Getting lazy, but doing well!

I figured I owe myself a post, but it's not quite going to be a real post just yet.

But here is part of an e-mail I wrote to a friend. Just know that I made it safely from Paris to Rouen, with SO much thanks to Hannah, Alexis, and Lia, who helped lug all 100 lbs of my luggage down six flights of stairs, onto a bus, and straight to Gare St-Lazare! I had such a nice time in Paris, but I'm excited to get everything set up in Rouen and to get settled into my new school!

- Trains are hard (but cheap and easy to sneak onto)

I took the wrong train from Paris, trying to get to Rouen. I wound up in Courbevoie, where there were no escalators or elevators to get me from the wrong side of the tracks (hehe) to the right side. I wound up hitting my ankle with one of my 50-lb bags and it is still killing me. =/ I finally took a train back to Paris and got on the right train, which was direct to Rouen. No one ever checked my ticket. However, I didn't get a seat because I couldn't lug all of my luggage up the stairs to the second level where the seats lived, and I wound up sitting on one of my bags in the hallway-type thing with two girls with actual seats (who either couldn't or didn't want to climb the stairs to sit in one of the many available seats- they were carrying no luggage).

- No matter where in the world you are, people who have disabilities and the people who love them are always the kindest.

Sylvie, one of my co-teachers, picked me up at the train station today after insisting that I shouldn't be going around by myself and that it would be nicer if I'd let her pick me up. She came with her son, Leonard, who has Down syndrome. She even took us all out to dinner for pasta (when I ordered pesto pasta, she asked several times if I wouldn't be happier with something that had meat in it, and that the expense was no problem), and Leo kept saying "Jamie" and looking at me with googly eyes and giggling until we were all in fits of laughter. It was absolutely priceless, and I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

I'm staying at a hostel now in Rouen for a couple of days, hoping to find housing on my own. I'm rooming with two other French girls, and they seem pretty nice. I'm headed to the school tomorrow with Sylvie to meet everyone, and then I'm hoping to adventure around Rouen a little bit and maybe even contact some people about getting a room somewhere. I have hit or miss internet at the hostel, and it's only available in the common areas, which is kind of a bummer, but that didn't stop me from calling Tara and my family (and consequently getting so frustrated when it kept cutting out or they wanted me to talk louder when I really don't want to disturb the other girl in here. I'll hopefully make it up to them soon with some AWESOME internet connection in my eventual apartment!!! *fingers crossed*).

Things I forgot to mention:

I passed through Copenhagen on my way to CDG:

I passed our old stomping grounds:

I went to see a free organ concert with Trevor at Notre Dame.

I went to have dinner with my host family where I used to live.

Things that I did in Paris today:

- Ate a delicious goat cheese and tomato sandwich from the bakery down the street

- Saw Michel Gondry at a cafe

- Shared a round of tea, Mister Yellow, and a cupcake at Miss Cupcakes in Montmartre

- Got lost in Montmartre and proceeded to finally find the longest outdoor flea market that I've ever seen (pictures follow)

On the street, when we were lost.

(Want to buy a hot doog?)

Walked to a park and saw a waterfall

Came home and had delicious ratatouille as the sun went down
(while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000)

Re-bienvenue en France !

Bonjour from Paris, everyone! I arrived Wednesday afternoon, and after a couple of hours in the airport, hassling the employees to stamp my passport (to no avail), I am officially in Paris.

I forget that the French can be kind in their own way. I think my experience was definitely skewed the first time around because I did have so many American friends with me. There is a specific kindness to American English; for example, hardly anyone says, "Have a nice day", and those that do would more likely say "bonne journée", the meaning of which is more akin to "Good day to you", which definitely doesn't have the same ring to it!

Anyway, the kindness I experienced while lugging my nearly 130 lbs of luggage up and down so many flights of stairs to and from all two of my metro transfers (though maybe more out of pity than anything else) was stunning. I never had to carry all of my luggage up or down the 15 or so flights of stairs that I experienced on my way to chez Alexis and Hannah. People were very kind, though I did take particular note of one guy, who, when he asked me which way I was going up out of the metro station and I didn't reply the one he needed, he gave me this look of disgusted incredulity that I can only express as lovingly familiar. It almost felt like home.

On another note, I can't even imagine having impaired mobility in this city. Those stairs really did me in, and my legs (and arms) are still howling. Though that was probably also from the 6 flights of stairs at Hannah and Alexis' apartment, too. No elevator. Awesome. =D

It is so good to be around Hannah and Alexis! My first night in, Hannah and some friends and I went out for an apéro of a very sweet-tasting beer-type drink down the block, and it was super fun to be alternating between Spanish and French and English again. Afterwards, we got back to the apartment and watched funny youtube videos and made delicious vegetarian carbonara. I fell asleep probably around 10:30 pm and woke up at what I thought was 9:00 am. I had looked at my laptop clock, but realized that it was still on New York time. Boy, was I surprised upon learning that I actually woke up at 3:00 pm! I know that I often sleep more than most, but those nearly 17 hours were exactly what I needed to jump-start my recovery from jet lag. Here's hoping it's gone for good!

Yesterday, we made spinach and goat cheese feuilletés, which were so good, but even better with the Sancerre wine that accompanied it (I thought of you, Chrissy!). Wow. Best white wine EVER. I'm not often fond of whites, but this changed my life forever. Just, wow.

Today, I'm off to my old stomping grounds. Going to see if I can figure out my old cell phone chez Bouygues, headed to Reid Hall to say hi to my junior Smithies abroad, and then making my famous petits gâteaux americains for dinner at my host family's house tonight! I am quite excited to be back.

Answers of sorts?

I have answers, and although they are not very helpful in terms of making me better, they are quite interesting (and one is supremely happy-making)!

1. I don't have Lyme. Wait, maybe I do.

They tested for Lyme, and it came back negative. But then, for reasons unclear to both me and my doctor, they did a CONFIRMATORY test for Lyme, which came back positive. We are both not sure what this means, but my doc threw some more amoxicillin at me, claiming that it's better to shock whatever is doing this out of my system now, rather than wait and see what happens if we let it go. She says it might have something to do with the fact that I had been on antibiotics when I got my bloodwork done, or that maybe my thyroid disease was interfering? It does seem strange to me to get a false positive, when I would assume that more likely than not, bloodwork results in false negatives (any input on this, dear readers, would be greatly appreciated!).

2. My immune system is slightly compromised

No surprises there. My immunoglobulin level is at 638, which was under the minimum normal level of 700, but not low enough to be concerning. Just means that I get sick more than other people and take longer to recover. No surprises here!

3. NO MORE HPV.

I am so happy! Over three years of dealing with worries and concerns of keeping safe, on my own part and on the part of others, and I can finally rest easy for a little bit. Life is good.

Now, I'm off to Shop Rite to help my mom stock up on provisions for the impending hurricane. Hope everyone is keeping safe and getting prepared!

Hello from Montreal!

It's definitely a good thing that I haven't written in here in a while, but I'm clearly not completely cured, as here I am again.

I'm going to try to organize my thoughts around some key words (as inspired by a book on science research that Katgor and I found in a bookstore yesterday).

1. Self-Awareness

I think I've always had a bit of trouble recognizing what's going on with myself as it's happening. It's not that I let things happen around me; rather that I immerse myself so fully in whatever is going on that I forget to check in with what my body is doing. This has shown itself in the past with sometimes accidentally not realizing that I'm hungry or that I need to stop walking or that I need some alone time. All of these things would help me recharge, but I can't do them until I realize that I need to do them. After I really crashed for the first time and every time since, I tell people that I don't know when it's going to happen until it's already happening. However, I'm sure if I tuned in to what my body is doing, I would be better at detecting when I'm crashing. Or, even better, if I can acknowledge that whatever I'm doing at the moment will probably cause me to crash, I should have the insight and self-awareness to determine that I need to stop, even if I'm in the middle of doing something really great (more on this later).

2. Control

When I was in the midst of a period of crashy-type feeling, I tried to pinpoint why I do what I do as a person, including why I put myself into so many new situations, like travelling, meeting new people, and trying new things of all sorts (besides for the merit of the new experiences themselves). Control was the one thing that I kept coming back to. I have always had something wrong with my body in terms of sickness, and it seems like every time I thought I was cured of one thing, another thing came along. I think the way that I escape from my own body is by involving other bodies with me to help me get out of myself for a bit, which is not really the best way of dealing with things, even though it's definitely ingrained in my personality to be an explorer of sorts. I do hope that I can manage to strike a balance between having all of these wonderful adventures and keeping a regard posed inward to figure out what my body is doing.

3. Wants and Needs

Once I had had a couple months to deal with the fatigue, Ceilidh told me something that stuck with me. She said that if I wind up crashing after doing something that was extraordinarily, amazingly something fun and something I very much wanted to do, then I need to recognize that it will be worth the days of recovery that follow. This is excellent advice, but I know I've been following it in the wrong way. Ultimately, I've resigned myself to the fact that I might crash anyway, so I may as well do all of the things that I love and throw caution to the wind. Thinking back on the past couple months, I can only think of a handful of times when I turned down an opportunity to go out or hang out with friends as a precaution and not when I was already crashing. In fact, even during those rare times, I probably was in the midst of crashing downtime anyway and just didn't want to acknowledge it. As a rule, I give myself what I Want and not what I Need (or I confuse them, which is just as bad). My real problem is that not only do I strongly dislike not giving myself what I want, I also strongly dislike having to tell someone that I can't do something that's sure to be extremely fun, only to instead spend that time in bed or reading a book or just generally being immobile because I don't want to let myself get down to my bare essential level of energy. This is something I definitely need to work on.

And so, from that, let me work out what I actually need to do:

1. Check in with myself more often (in practice- stop whomever I'm with so I can reel myself in and figure out where I'm at; or stop whatever I'm doing to feel what my body is doing)

2. Stop feeling down every time I need to spend a couple hours or days of down time, since I know that it will ultimately spare me a bigger crash later.

As I'm sure you've probably worked out by now, I wound up crashing pretty bad today. It was definitely a matter of time, and as much as I felt that I was fending off the crash and that maybe it just wouldn't happen this time, if I had really been honest with myself and Katgor, I definitely would not have let us walk those 5 (or 8...) kilometers to and around the Parc du Mont-Royal. And I probably would not have gone out last night to go dancing after spending a rather full first day in Montreal wandering around, seeing the Parade of Twins as part of the Just For Laughs Festival, walking on the Rue Ste-Catherine to the gay district, and watching the International Fireworks Festival display from the roof of a lesbian bar. However, back to Ceilidh's sound and useful advice, I do feel like doing all of these things was worth my inevitable crash, even though I do feel bad for Katgor for having to deal with me after the fact (travelling with people after my initial crashings last March have led me to perhaps write a User's Guide to Jamie. Maybe that'll be my next post!).

It really doesn't take much for me to recover/preserve my energy, so I think it should be reasonable for me to get better at actually doing it and being honest with myself about what I can do, especially since I really do feel like I haven't been crashing as hard as I had been. Whereas I used to have crashes where I couldn't move without crawling, couldn't talk without heavily stammering, and couldn't be awake without sleepy tears falling from my face, my pre-crashing and crashings have been more like walking sleepily and slowly, talking rarely and enjoying silence (which, after the fact, I realize made for some awkward social interactions), and only crying from frustration when I realize that I've gotten to the point where I really should have stopped hours ago.

I know I'd been frustrated at all of the doctors for not having any answers, but now that I've worked out some answers for myself, fingers crossed that I'll actually learn to be good to myself!